Posts tagged Dad
Posts tagged Dad
I’ve been listening to Patrick Watson a lot lately and I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but I constantly feel like crying. But good crying. In a weird way.
Like, I might be watching an episode of 30 Rock and find it funny, but my brain will find it so funny that it is beautiful how much talent Tina Fey has and that will make me want to cry.
Of course, I don’t indulge in this. I’m not gonna cry because I find something funny.
Also, I just found a picture of my dad a couple of hours ago. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s actually a picture I had never seen before. Completely new.
I don’t actually know what my dad looks like. I’ve seen pictures but if he wasn’t dead and walked passed me on the street I wouldn’t even know it was him.
I don’t even know what his voice sounded like. I sometimes half fantasize about his voice being deep, calm and soothing. Like Henry Padovani’s voice.
I don’t miss my dad that much anymore. I don’t think about him a lot. I think his death is keeping me in the past.
I only alow myself to think about him on nights like this. Long nights, the window’s open, alone in my bedroom, my hands covered in paint. On nights like this I allow my mind to drift off.
I just usually try not to think too much about things, I keep myslef busy. With people, with paintings, with music, with parties, clubbing, noise and cigarettes. Like this I don’t have to think.
One of many fans.
I lost faith in this world. I lost hope for this world.
I don’t know if I actually ever had any faith or hope, but if I had, it vanished.
Where to start ?
Some wanker stole my phone and threatened me the other day. (I’m fine, by the way. I hit him with my skateboard.) One of my friends got mugged, another gets harrassed every because she’s a lesbian.
The human race is so violent, so selfish, can be so inteligent yet so ignorant, so pathetic. And we’re all the same. All ridiculously useless. Desperate to achieve something but unable to. Our tiny little minds constantly working to find a way to survive, find a way out and leave some kind of legacy before we go. Only we can’t all leave a trace.
Some of us manage to become great, or simply less disgusting than others. I don’t want to live in a world that’s that random, where everyone believes they’re equal because they refuse to admit that some are smarter, stronger, have a better sense of humor, a better bone structure, more muscles, more charisma, more wit or just a better eyesight.
I can’t accept the fact that it’s all random. If it’s not random, it has to mean it was planned, that something made each and every one of us the way we are and not the way we should be. I don’t want to believe this. In fact I don’t.
I’m just thinking that something, somewhere, somehow killed my dad, two of my friends. Even your mum; and you were just a kid, fuck, I was just a kid. And no child should have to live through the death of a loved one. I have a friend who lost her dad. I have a friend who lost her mum. A friend of mine lost both her parents, another lost his sister. Someone in my family got severe diabetes, a friend of my mum’s has hepatitus, one of my old teachers has cancer.
Yet murderers, rapists, racist and homophobic people are alive, healthy and happy to be living in their tiny little world with their filthy little minds.
Nothing is fair.
This societey repels me, the people in it make me want to throw up.
I’m not complaining. I’m just not proud to be a part of it. And I’m not proud to say that I’m not better than any of them.
But it’s fine.
In the end nothing matters and everything’s fine.
One of many fans.